Sunday, July 11, 2010
A whole new perspective
Redemption. It's not just a word to me, but something I truly believe in. I believe in walking through fire and coming through bandaged up, healing from the scars. I also believe in optimism. I suppose my belief in redemption is cloaked by the undying light of hope that optimism brings.
When I started this blog I was in my late twenties. I had just gone through the worst experience of my life. Many people wondered how I could claim such a label on that experience when there was (we assume) many more life experiences to come. I say it was the worst because there was so much shame tied into the tragedy of things. Tragedy is devastating, but at least it earns sympathy. Shame repels sympathy (and certainly empathy). I spent a lot of time in those early days wondering what could be worse. Losing people I love would be horrible but not worse since I'd have the support of others. I think having a child and then somehow being responsible for that child's death would be the only thing that would seem worse to me. But I don't have kids, so I can't really say.
In less than a month I will be turning 35. Thirty-five was always my age that I thought I'd stop having children because it wasn't good to be old and have kids. That was what my twenty-something self had believed. That former version of myself also thought that I would be married before I hit thirty and blissfully happy. The great thing about that horrible life experience I went through in 2004 was that it taught me that life can change in a split second. I am so grateful for that lesson, though I wish I could have learned it in a different way. I was always a big planner, wanting to prepare for every possible outcome and know as much in advance as possible. I still love my calendar and color coordinate my highlights of important meetings and events, but I can now write with a pencil because I know nothing is concrete.
My life hasn't turned out according to the way I planned. I thought I'd be married by 35. I almost was. I came quite close to getting married last year. I was dating someone ten years my junior who stated early on that he wanted to get married. Our cultural difference led me to believe he was more mature than an American guy, and in many ways he was. We picked out a ring that he bought (we ordered it online), but he was taking forever to give it to me. I started planning the wedding, discussing little details with him but secretly sharing most of the ideas with my girlfriends. Mom excitedly starting buying little things for the wedding, which led me to buy invitations and some decorations. In the end I learned he'd been cheating on me, my first experience with cheating. I've had my heart broken before, so I knew what that pain felt like, but I'd never been betrayed like this in the past.
I'm a tough cookie. I've overcome a lot in my life, certainly in the last six years. Sometimes, though, I'd like things to just work out the way I want them to. But if they aren't, then I must not be learning the life lessons that the dude upstairs is trying to teach me.
I used to be a very contemplative person. I felt so much and would turn to words in written form to understand what I was feeling. It helped me put the world in perspective. I've let go of contemplation the last couple years or so. At least, that's what I recently realized. I've let go of figuring out who I am and what I want from life. Without that direction, I've been letting the wind carry me whichever way it chose to blow. But that is going to change. I want to redeem myself in my own eyes. I want to make plans for my future instead of feeling like I've already achieved most of my dreams. That light of hope was never extinguished, and now I'm going to fan its flames so bring my life into warp speed ahead.
It was easy for me to see this after spending a week on my back. I'd thrown it and my neck out during my recent travels, and have become BFFs with a heating pad. The first day was painful but relaxing. But by the end of the week, I was longing for the world beyond my living room walls. There is nothing like being unable to experience the world to make you want to get up and jump right in it.
So, in honor of my upcoming birthday, I want to make a list of life experiences I still want to have and things I want to accomplish. Just because life doesn't turn out the way you always wanted doesn't mean that life isn't the way it is supposed to be. I'm so grateful for the life I have and hopeful for whatever else may come.
When I started this blog I was in my late twenties. I had just gone through the worst experience of my life. Many people wondered how I could claim such a label on that experience when there was (we assume) many more life experiences to come. I say it was the worst because there was so much shame tied into the tragedy of things. Tragedy is devastating, but at least it earns sympathy. Shame repels sympathy (and certainly empathy). I spent a lot of time in those early days wondering what could be worse. Losing people I love would be horrible but not worse since I'd have the support of others. I think having a child and then somehow being responsible for that child's death would be the only thing that would seem worse to me. But I don't have kids, so I can't really say.
In less than a month I will be turning 35. Thirty-five was always my age that I thought I'd stop having children because it wasn't good to be old and have kids. That was what my twenty-something self had believed. That former version of myself also thought that I would be married before I hit thirty and blissfully happy. The great thing about that horrible life experience I went through in 2004 was that it taught me that life can change in a split second. I am so grateful for that lesson, though I wish I could have learned it in a different way. I was always a big planner, wanting to prepare for every possible outcome and know as much in advance as possible. I still love my calendar and color coordinate my highlights of important meetings and events, but I can now write with a pencil because I know nothing is concrete.
My life hasn't turned out according to the way I planned. I thought I'd be married by 35. I almost was. I came quite close to getting married last year. I was dating someone ten years my junior who stated early on that he wanted to get married. Our cultural difference led me to believe he was more mature than an American guy, and in many ways he was. We picked out a ring that he bought (we ordered it online), but he was taking forever to give it to me. I started planning the wedding, discussing little details with him but secretly sharing most of the ideas with my girlfriends. Mom excitedly starting buying little things for the wedding, which led me to buy invitations and some decorations. In the end I learned he'd been cheating on me, my first experience with cheating. I've had my heart broken before, so I knew what that pain felt like, but I'd never been betrayed like this in the past.
I'm a tough cookie. I've overcome a lot in my life, certainly in the last six years. Sometimes, though, I'd like things to just work out the way I want them to. But if they aren't, then I must not be learning the life lessons that the dude upstairs is trying to teach me.
I used to be a very contemplative person. I felt so much and would turn to words in written form to understand what I was feeling. It helped me put the world in perspective. I've let go of contemplation the last couple years or so. At least, that's what I recently realized. I've let go of figuring out who I am and what I want from life. Without that direction, I've been letting the wind carry me whichever way it chose to blow. But that is going to change. I want to redeem myself in my own eyes. I want to make plans for my future instead of feeling like I've already achieved most of my dreams. That light of hope was never extinguished, and now I'm going to fan its flames so bring my life into warp speed ahead.
It was easy for me to see this after spending a week on my back. I'd thrown it and my neck out during my recent travels, and have become BFFs with a heating pad. The first day was painful but relaxing. But by the end of the week, I was longing for the world beyond my living room walls. There is nothing like being unable to experience the world to make you want to get up and jump right in it.
So, in honor of my upcoming birthday, I want to make a list of life experiences I still want to have and things I want to accomplish. Just because life doesn't turn out the way you always wanted doesn't mean that life isn't the way it is supposed to be. I'm so grateful for the life I have and hopeful for whatever else may come.
All sounds pretty awesome and deep. I think it will take several readings to grasp it all, and a few days to digest, but I´ll try my best. Congrats on being so brave.