One final entry before 2004 lays to rest for all time. I need to finish packing before I go to bed. But, before I leave for a drunken fest in Vegas, I thought I'd write a thought or two. I'm so happy to leave this year behind. The worst events of my life happened this year. But, I refuse to live life as a pessimist, therefore, I will look back on this year with as much fondness as despise. I grew so much this year; I gained an even closer bond with my family; I learned that I don't need to be a parent to have unconditional love for another person; I found my true calling when I walked into my classroom and saw the eager faces of my students; I learned so profoundly that I have the right to judge NO ONE on this planet; and, most of all, because I realize nothing else matters, I grew to love every part of myself. For every horrible event, something beautiful happens. It's the yin and the yang of life. Where horror walks, grace follows. This is what 2004 taught me.

For 2005 I wish for a world that feels safe. I wish for each person who walks this planet to feel love. I wish that each one of us could look in the eyes of another human being and feel compassion, no matter what lies behind those eyes.

Oh, and I wish to be really hot when I turn 30 in August.

May we all wake up each morning to pass along the sun's gentle smile so that by nightfall every person has been greeted with love.

Farewell 2004, I've got my eye on 2005.

I just completed my first attempt at being a true grown up: I filled out a living revocable trust. Let's face it, thinking about death is fun and I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon. I plan to buy a house this coming year and my mother has etched her sinister words into the bottom-most crevices of my brain, telling me to create one of these trusts.

While the financial reality is not depressing, seeing that I have no family of my own at the age of 29 made this guided CD-ROM laugh mockingly at me. Whenever I clicked the "single" button, its haughty laughter reverberated throughout the house. I knew what buttons to push on it (I did it on my laptop, after all), and it knew exactly which buttons to figuratively push on me too.

Once you legally become and adult, the government and our society at large force down our throats that the next step is settling down, have babies, develop a drinking problem and/or a gambling addiction, completely forget why you married your spouse to begin with because the sight of him/her now repulses you so much you would rather stick a nail in your eye than be around him or her, rely on said drinking problem to escape from the lifeless monotony that has become your life, and then die.

But what if we don't follow this path?

I'm stuck leaving all my assets to my parents and my brother while all my cousins are getting married and popping out babies. Then again, I'm sure sometimes they wish they could have my life. While I would like to have someone to come home to and spoon with, I'm sure they would love to have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Plus, I get to enjoy their kids and give them back as soon as I detect a poopie diaper or the onset of tears. I have the luxury of missing all the crappy times.

So, while I wait and see if Mr. Right will ever show up in my life, I'll surround myself with friends who can be surrogate partners (only, without sex, unfortunately). The older I get the more my friends truly become like family. I'll always be close to my relatives, but at least my friends don't usually drive me to the point of maniacal spending/eating sprees. At least, most of the time.

Another day in the lazy life of me. Going back to work next week after two weeks of utter and complete laziness is going to suck ass. There is not enough coffee in the world that will be able to help me that day.

It is driving me crazy that my "fascination" is back from the holidays and yet he still hasn't written to me. Ass. ;) I read some old posts (because that's how truly "cool" I am) and I learned some interesting things about him. Although he identifies himself as a Repubican (which, let's face it, is reason enough to never speak to him), he's actually pretty liberal. So, I won't disown him before I even know him. He played football in college at the same school his parents went to. I thought that was cute. Oh man, I'm like the biggest stalker in the world, aren't I? That's what all this vacation time does to me.

VH1 is showing some show about quasi celebrities talking about high school and all the different biological things that happen to us during that time. It's actualy pretty funny. So, touching boobies is only second base? Dang, I think I was 16 before I ever let a guy touch my boobs. Of course, it was all downhill from there. It was with a boy named Gary who was the first boy to ever take off my bra. We were sitting in my truck in front of his parent's house. Yep, that's how cool we were. My shirt stayed on, however. That was the first time I learned the beauty of the nipple rub. But, I won't go into details since we all know how it goes. Ah, memories.

Back to laziness.

I really hate to say this, but once again I think one of my New Years Resolutions will be to lose weight. I know, I know...that is so cliche (I don't know how to type accents). Honestly, I make that resolution every year, so that just goes to show how successful I am at it! But this year I think I'll do things differently. Rather than just say that I will lose weight or get in better shape, I am going to simply use this marathon as a means for measuring my effort. My resolution will simply be to "complete the half marathon" instead of something more arbitrary like "lose weight."

Of course, I'm saying all this after I have literally eaten enough this month to feed the entire population of a small country. Oh, and I didn't stick with my training program the last couple days (Sunday is a "rest day" so I'm using it as my excuse to continue my laziness). What's worse is the fact that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to establish a relationship with a new doctor I picked (I'll finally have a primary care physician). I have probably easily gained 20 pounds this month. Actually, I have probably done that in this last week or two! I felt like I could move so much easier when I started doing that marathon training than I could the last couple of days. I hate this feeling. I hate being a fat ass. I need to start moving this fat ass of mine.

This is the year, I tell ya! Sure, I say that every year, but this time I can feel it! ;)

Also, I never knew my belly could get so big. Must...not...pork...out....again...today! :)

The Christmas weather has caught up with us a day late. After driving home this morning I snuggled up in sweats under the layers of blankets on my bed. I love my bed; it's the one place I feel safest. The gloomy day outside is permeating the walls of the house, making me feel melancholy.

I went through nearly the entire Christmas day feeling happy. My parents were in good spirits and it felt wonderful to be with them. I think our drunken dinner the night before helped put us all in a better mood. My mom kept saying that she thinks this next year is going to be a better one for us all, and I couldn't agree more. She kept saying that she wanted to make "her baby" feel better so she tried to get me a couple surprises. I had wanted to get something special for her this year, but I wasn't sure what to get. Then one day one of my students was discussing items for sale at the Mission Inn, and I knew exactly what to get my mom. Seeing her sitting in her rocking chair, admiring the Mission Inn snow globe I found for her, was one of the best sights I have ever seen. She has always wanted one of those, and although it was not exactly what I had envisioned, she placed it on her dresser to let the sunlight shine on it. The smile on her face as she watched the sun rays bounce off the glass will go down as one of my best Christmas memories. I was so happy that I could give her that smile.

For some reason the sadness sunk in in the evening after our second Mexican feast had been eaten. I'm not sure why it all hit me then, but it did. I wanted to wrap myself in my new jammies (a Christmas tradition) and crawl into bed with my mom and watch Christmas movies on television with she and my dad. But I had already agreed to meet up with friends, so I decided to stick to my plans. I couldn't shake the sad feeling, though. Maybe it was my brother's sweatshirt that I chose to wear, but something made me feel "off." It's always wonderful to see my friends, and we did shots for baby Jesus (we're a bunch of Catholics who are all first class ticket holders on the train ride to Hell). Somehow, though, with each drink I had, the sadness haunted me further and I couldn't quite hide it. I ended up passing out on the couch and driving home this morning.

Now that Christmas is over I am looking towards the New Year. This is absolutely going to be a year of positive growth. After the bad events of this year, this next year is sure to be better. I'm looking forward to meeting some goals: turning 30 on the beaches of Hawaii, studying a foreign language, completing a marathon (or maybe more), buying my first home. I've had nearly a year to deal with our family situation and each day I feel more equipped to move forward. Although this next year will bring some public attention, I feel that my parents and I are better able at handling it now and it won't hurt as much.

This year I learned so much about myself and the world around me. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I do now. I absolutely know who I am and like who I am. I have my set things of changes I want to make and I look forward to working on them. I'm ready for whatever life wants me to experience. I will not let other people dictate my future--not my brother, the lack of a boyfriend, or people who do not like me. I am living life my way. My one main goal is to leave this planet somehow better than the day I entered it. I will continue to reach for this goal.

Here's to a new year of new experiences!

I hope this is a day filled with wonder for everyone that comes upon this page. The rebirth of the day has washed away my sad feelings and made me focused on the beauty of life. Tonight I'm going to drink a shot for baby Jesus! AMEN!

It's Christmas Eve and the sounds of the house are like any other Christmas Eve. I usually head over to my parent's house on this day and stay the night so it is just the three of us during the sunlight hours. The television whipsers conversations from my parent's bedroom as their periodic dialogue about the morning newspaper overshadows it. The daytime seems almost like any other day. The high Santa Ana winds have not yet started (though they are projected to reach 80 mph speeds) and there is a calm sunshine waking up the trees and pavement.

But this Christmas Eve is not like any family holiday we have celebrated before. This year one person will be missing. It would be one thing to know that my brother could not be with us if he had passed away. It would be acceptable to be sad and others would understand my morose eyes. But that is not the case and the reason is too hideous to ever understand. But, he will still be a part of our holiday, regardless; he will be calling at his usual time of 6:15 pm and we will put on our best smiley faces in hopes that our voices sound happy.

Christmas morning will be the difficult time, though. Every year I tell my brother that it just doesn't feel like Christmas until I see him walk through the door wearing shorts. This year I won't get to see that. But, I know I need to keep that happy face to help make this difficult time a bit easier for my parents. Every day I am more and more amazed by them. Their strength feeds mine and together we have become an unbending unity.

But, as I always remind myself, as bad as I think I might have it, there are ALWAYS people in the world who have it worse. I pray for all the people who have truly lost someone special to them or those who have no one in their corner. There are people going through far more difficult times than I could ever imagine, and although I am grateful not to be in their shoes, just knowing that they are somehow making it through each day gives me such strength and encouragement. I wish I could do something for these people, but there are too many to help. The one thing I know I can do is pray for them that they may find comfort, somehow, somewhere, to keep making it through each day.

Alright, I feel better already.

Today will be a typical California Christmas celebration. We are having a Mexican feast for dinner of tamales, enchiladas, rice, and beans. For dessert we will have the banana nut bread my mom taught me to make yesterday based on her mother's Swedish recipe. It feels like grandma is with us again this year with each sniff of warm bread. The sun is shining bright over a myriad of palm trees and stucco homes. Maybe I'll see if my parents would like to drive to the local mountains tomorrow so that we can have a white Christmas. Or we could always drive out to the beach to stick with our authentic California Christmas theme! I love the fact that we have all these options living here. I have seen most of the United States and my heart definitely resides in California. We can have a white Christmas without having to put up with the permanent cold simply by driving down the mountain. I love this state so much. It is such a part of who I am. I don't think anyone could truly understand me without having been to California. My mentality reflects the landscape of this state and it clashes with the mentality of other locations. I experienced this first hand when I lived in the Washington DC metro area. I had to rebel somehow against their way of thought without excluding myself completely. I chose to wear flip flops as a form of protest, even in snowy weather. Sure, I got strange looks, but I never felt truer to myself than those moments of walking over a snow lined street in the same shoes I had worn to the beach in California. I'll take the sound of the surf over a white Christmas any day. Like my SoCal nancies say, "SoCal isn't a location but a state of mind." So true, so true.

Merry Christmas, Buon Natale, Feliz Navidad, etc. to all! May the beauty of this season and the renewal of birth bring a fresh start to every day so that we may all cherish each moment and experience the true beauty of the life that we have been given. Happy holidays to all. May grace be wrapped for you under the tree; may love be stuffed in your stocking; and may kindness echo in the melodies of carolers at your door.

I need to get this off my chest so I can move on. We got another letter from my brother today and I'm getting so sick and tired of his depression. I'm the one person in the world who he feels comfortable sharing all kinds of things with, even the really bad things. Because of this, I am always patient with him. I obviously am not going to abandon him now since I would have done so last February if that's the kind of person I was. I know it's just his depression talking. He needs to be put on an anti-depressant, but the medical care there is so poor. He's even lost about 60 pounds, and he wasn't exactly fat to begin with. Sometimes the weight of his sorrows feels like too much to bear on my shoulders. But I have to put on a happy face, and I have to be there for him (I want to as well). I'll never understand him; he doesn't even understand himself. Sometimes I just want to shake him and shout at him, telling him that we ALL are responsible for our own lives and if we are unhappy it is up to US to change it. No one else can live your life for you, so if there is something that makes you unhappy, do something about it.

I'll always wish that he could have come to me about this before anything ever happened. Sometimes he still can't admit to himself what has occurred. But I can't change the past and I have to remind myself that these were not MY actions. I will love him and support him until the day I die, and he knows that. Now, if I can just make it till then...

Enough of this "woe is me" crap. Everything else in my life is wonderful so I am one lucky woman. We all have a cross to bear; I just need to help my brother carry his.

I'm intruiged by my "fascination" again now. I posted to him yesterday, baggin' on him, just to see how he'd respond (and IF he'd respond). He sure did, and it totally made me laugh. PLUS, he made references to literature, theater, U2, and DMB: this guy is perfect. He probably has a secret family on the side and makes a huge profit from smuggling cocaine into the country, but he's still interesting to me. He even got me to confess about my secret desire to marry Joey McIntyre from NKOTB (probably why I watch Boston Public). I admit: I want to learn more about this guy.

I get to walk/run today! I can't believe I'm excited to do so. Me? Excited to exercise? What the hell? I think it's the fact that I bought new sneakers two days ago that I haven't worn yet. I'll keep buying myself new little things if it'll keep me entertained enough to want to walk. I might go broke, but it is worth it!

Is it lame that I am excited Jen is now reading this? God, I miss that girl. She is my long lost twin sister separated by a week. I'm so sucky at keeping in touch with her, but boy oh boy do I think about her lots.

And Cayce is back from NYC! I'm so excited about that, too, since now I will get to read her blog again!

Wow, this is what vacation does to me: sucks any type of life right outta me. And I love it!

Time to go help the 'rents with some errands. Plus my mom is harping on me to learn how to make my dead grandma's banana nut bread (I hate nuts, btw), so I'll have to learn how to do that too. Well, if I learn how to do that, then I suppose I'll be able to fake knowing how to cook so I can lure some man into my life with the false idea that I'll cook for him. LMAO, please, I totally think it's a MAN'S job to cook, not the womans! Time to get going!

My training program said that I am to take Wednesdays off. I decided to REALLY take this day off and I have sat on my ass in my jammies all day. This truly is the life. So much for all that laundry I planned to do.

I have become obsessed with the television show Boston Public. I had only seen a few episodes back when it was airing new programs, but every day at 4:00 the WE channel airs an episode. Somedays I'm teaching during that time, but I try to catch it whenever I can. The only aspect of this show that I can relate to is being a teacher. My life has never been so dramatic as it is in this show, but I love the soap opera factor of it all. What can I say, they show me that I'm at least a better teacher than these fake ones.

Also, See's Candy is a gift from Heaven. God created it specifically for pre-menstral women. That word looks misspelled (and so does that one).

Time to go back to sitting on my ass, eating candy, and watching bad television.

Well, I figured out how to get more people to read this: advertising. I sent out a mass email to see if anyone would want to take the time to read this, and I'm now happy that I did that. Of course, this means I need to watch what I say now...hahahahaha! Yea right, since when have I ever censored myself?

What can I say, I have the best friends in the whole entire world. No "ifs, ands, or buts" (though maybe "butts") about it. I have the most amazing people in my life, and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Each has taught me so many lessons and I would be a totally different person if it weren't for them. I love them more than I could ever say.

Wow, I'm saying all that and I haven't even been drinking!

I need to stop checking that damn site meter. I like to see if people read this thing and then I find that only two people do. To think, I wanted this to be private at first, and now I'm bummed no one reads it. I'm such a dork.

Time to go see my fake nephew now!!! I love that kid so much.

I wrote this on nancies, and since it has had me "walking down memory lane" I thought I'd post it here too. I was so young and naive.

One afternoon my college boyfriend and I, along with a friend of his, had to go down to the local Le Sex Shoppe to buy some props for a play we were putting on. It was just one of our errands for the day. Anyhow, my then boyfriend and I were looking around the store trying to find specific items. I couldn't help but be curious about all the things I was seeing since I had never been in a place like that before. I kept pointing to various items asking the guys what each item was used for. It was a big learning experience, what can I say. There was another man in the store at the time looking at some sealed up magazines and the video shelf. Since it was daytime, I figured he was there for similar reasons as us. After about 20 minutes, we find what we're looking for and leave. As we're walking to the car parked behind the building, the video/magazine man comes out and follows us. He starts speaking directly to me so I stop to be polite. He informs me that he is part of a group called "Uncut" that does independent porn movies featuring uncircumsized men, explaining that independent porn is so much better than porn from the actual industry. He then proceeds to ask me if I would like to join their group. It all seemed to happen so fast, so I stood there for a moment with a blank expression. My boyfriend, however, knew exactly what was going on and he walked back towards me from the car. Just as it was dawning on me what this strange man was asking me to do, my boyfriend went ape-shit and started yelling at this man and chasing him away from me, ordering me to get in the car. Luckily the man was pretty fast.

Wow, I was so innocent back then. I wonder if that group still makes porn. I'd be curious to see what it looks like.

I decided to make a formal announcement here so that I can't back out of it (though, for the first time since deciding to do this, I'm feeling anxiety about it now that I'm officially writing this here): I will be running a marathon on April 9th in Napa Valley. Yep, I said it. Pick that jaw off the floor! I'm going to walk most of it, but I want to work in a little bit of running in there too. I'm going to start training, probably this week (or formally start next week while getting my body warmed up in my own way this week). There are 8 different training programs in this book and I seem to match the "walk only half marathon" one the most. But, I think I'm going to be foolish and go one step up to the "walk-run half marathon" instead, just to spice things up a touch.

I've challenged myself mentally this last year and emotionally this year, and now I want to do some type of physical challenge. Aside from the benefit of getting in shape, I really need something that is all MINE right now. I'm constantly wondering about things with my brother and when the ball will get rolling with that and I'm just tired of thinking about it so much. I don't love him any less, but I need to use some of that energy to do something productive for myself. Running (well, walking) will give me some much needed alone time. Not only do I think that this will be a true physical challenge, I think I will gain some mental clarity from this as well. I need to learn to deal with stress better and "accept the things I can not change," and what better way than this.

Besides, running (or walking) really is a great metaphor for life. Just as we need to take things one day at a time (or even one moment at a time), when running you can only focus on each step as it happens. I feel like this will help me to live more in the present and enjoy each moment more fully.

With all this said, the lazy ass side of myself is wondering why I can't just run a marathon from the couch. I guess I'll actually have to leave the house to train. That's the sucky part.

I have the coolest friends in the world. Seriously, I am one lucky girl. Such a fun night last night with my SoCalers, not to mention some wonderful and thoughtful gifts from them. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. No more drinking for a while though.

Alright, enough cheese. ;)

I wonder if using my wireless laptop is making me infertile. I swear that when I use it I can honestly feel the radiation sucking out all the life giving juices of my ovaries. Maybe I'm just paranoid. I once, however, saw on the news (or 60 Minutes or one of those shows) that cell phones were reducing the infertility of men who wear their phones clipped on their belts. If a little cell phone can do that, I bet my laptop could top that tenfold.

I've never been pregnant before, but I would really like to experience that someday. I need to not use this laptop so much (or at least without a desk between me and it). I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks about this kind of thing.

That bitch Oprah is doing her "Christmas gifts" show and she has an audience of all teachers. Why the fuck wasn't I invited? I'm boycotting her show. ;) HOLY SHIT! She just gave away a $500 gift certificate to Office Max! I want that!

Oh, and I'm now on vacation!!! Granted, I have to put together a portfolio of my work/lessons, create a living will, balance my checkbook, and edit the entire WASC report my boss wrote (damn my English degree and editorial background!). At least I have two weeks to do all this.

One "fun" thing happened on my way home today. I went to work to finish some attendance items, even though Fridays are my days off. After I spent hours there working with a student, I finally head out to go home. I happen to eavesdrop on my boss and another teacher and learned that her room was being gutted. I thought to myself "sucker." I said something like "wow, that's a bummer. Crazy!" My boss turns to me and says, "Oh yea, I forgot to tell you: YOUR classroom is being emptied too. In fact, it might have already been cleaned out." After picking my jaw up from the floor, I rush out to my classroom and find out that it would be in my best interest to take all of my personal belongings so that they don't get "lost." Luckily the janitors were only half way through emptying my room (those poor guys; they have to do so much crap) so I went through and gathered all of my things, like my file cabinets and shelves, etc. I have no idea where I'm going to store this stuff over the vacation period, but at least I grabbed it before it was "stored."

Oh, and the best part about my classroom: it won't be ready in January when my students and I come back to class. At this point in time, I will be holding my class in the parking lot. Hell, we might as well all go to some eatery and sit at the tables and conduct class over coffee that week.

I'm deciding not to stress out over this. It is out of my control. Besides, I'll have new carpet in my room once it's ready (and hopefully the asbestos, or however you spell that, will be gone too). I hope it will look pretty! My students deserve a pretty place to learn, and I deserve a pretty place to teach.

Well, back to reading "Marathoning for Mortals" since the authors suggest reading the whole thing before beginning a work out program. The more I think about it, the more I think I need to just "go for it." I could end up being a marathoner one of these days! CRAZY THOUGHT! I give myself a big YOU GO GIRL!

Last year around this time I challenged myself in a mental way that I had never done before. I gathered my courage and spent months putting together applications for PhD programs. That experience taught me that if I actually apply myself to something, I can achieve any goals I make. Seeing those acceptance letters and going on the interviews (even when I ended up not getting into some programs I really wanted) was the final validation that I needed to solidify that my effort was worthwhile.

Since challenging myself mentally, I've thought about trying to challenge myself physically. Well, when I first finished with my grad applications I thought about this, and then I let that thought get sucked out of my brain while the television killed the few brains cells I had left moving around. I mentioned the thought of this physical challenge to a coworker. She's the one person at work that I feel is actually a friend. She's the only person I have shared personal information with, particularly what I have gone through (and continue to go through) this year. One day in the middle of working on the curriculum we've been writing I asked her how she stays in such great shape (the woman is gorgeous, and if she wasn't so nice I'd hate her). She said she used to be a marathon runner. For her 30th birthday she ran her first marathon with her husband (he didn't make it the whole way, but she did). I thought about doing something challenging for my 30th birthday this August too. But, due to the holidays, I'd forgotten about this conversation and continued to shove as much chocolate down my throat as possible.

So, yesterday this teacher gave me a Christmas present (funny since she swore she hasn't given out gifts in years, but luckily I had one for her too). I wanted to wait until Christmas to open it, but today she asked me to open it when I got home. So, tonight, after opening the presents from my students, I opened her gift. It was very appropriate and has had me thinking all night. After leaving a note in my box informing me about a marathon that will be taking place in 18 weeks (including this week) in Napa Valley, CA, she got my mind racing (but not my feet yet). So, tonight I opened up her present as she requested and it was a book called "Marathoning for Mortals" about preparing for a marathon if you never have done one before.

Part of me is scared to try it (I would only do the half marathon since I really don't think I have the time to train for a full one in only 17 weeks), but part of me is excited to do it. My schedule won't be as crazy as I thought it would be starting in January (one of the classes I need for extra certification is closed to me) and I feel like I need to do something for myself. I do so much for my students (and I don't say that to complain because I LOVE doing things for them), but I know I need to take better care of myself. I've been through a lot this year and I haven't really taken the time to do something that would be good for me and make me happy. I've had a couple of trips, for which I am grateful, but I think having this alone time running might be a good thing for me. I'm realizing lately that I'm not dealing with stress that well and I know this would help me tenfold. The part of me that is afraid to fail still whispers in my ear, but if I could challenge myself like I did before, then I think I could do it again.

I think I'll continue to sit on my ass and read about marathon running and do it in my mind...for now.

OMG, that guy I have the "fascination" with just wrote this long post about legal stuff, half of which I didn't understand, and it was sexy as all hell. Damn, smart men rock.

That is all.

How did women back in the day do it? I'm in the middle of baking a bunch of cupcakes to take to work for all the faculty and staff, and I'm tired of doing it already! I could never have been a wife in the '50s. Well, I also don't have pointy boobs so I would have needed a pointy bra (and I just don't like that look), but that's just another reason why I would have been a horrible housewife.

Did you know that nowadays kids can't bring in food for their fellow students? I remember back in the day my mom used to bake cupcakes for my entire class for special occasions (not my birthday since that's in the summer). You can't do that now. Strange how things have changed. Man, when I was a kid, I would see my fellow students eating all kinds of nasty things, from glue, to chalk, to boogers and we all turned out just fine. Maybe kids need more of that nowadays. You think that's why kids are so crazy now? There must be some kind of nutrients in chalk that kids just aren't getting in today's world.

I have to say, I completely admire anyone who deals with kids all day. Teachers and parents are amazing people; I just don't know how they do it. I would be a permanent resident of a psych ward if I had to be with a room full of little kids all day, every day. If I were to do that kind of job, I think I'd feed them chalk so they can make up for those missing nutrients, though.

Teaching adults is the best job in the world. Seriously, these people just "get it." They realize that you have a life and that you are giving a huge part of yourself if you're good at your job as a teacher. I left work today thinking about how lucky I am. The last words I usually hear each day are "Thank you teacher" from my UN looking students. God, I just love these people. They are so honest and genuine, it makes it easier to put up with all the bullshit of our American education system. How can I not try to be the best teacher I can be when I have a classroom full of students who are so grateful for everything I do?

Enough of this love fest I have going on in here. I'm getting as sugary as the cupcakes I'm baking. I think the frosting smell is getting to my head.

Alright, enough with this crap. It's a new day and I'm mostly rested (though slightly hung over...man do I need some Advil), so I have a new outlook on things. Screw the ex (well, not literally). I wish him well with this new woman who is 10 years our senior (though, the feminist in me says "you go girl for scoring a younger man" but then the ex-girlfriend side of me tells the feminist side to shut the hell up). It totally was my lonely, drunken state that made me write that entry and think those thoughts. Would I really want to be stuck with him for life? God, just thinking that makes me thankful to be single. So, enough of this crap about men. There are more important things in the world to deal with.

Someone has been blasting bad early '90s music all morning from the street a block over. Right now it's Seal. Part of me wants to mock this person for blasting this horrible selection, but the other half of me wants to commend this person for having the balls to be so blantantly proud of this music. I think I'm going to feel the latter. Enjoy your Seal. If it makes you happy, all the power to you.

So, this is the last week of school for 2004. That just means it will be busy. Am I a bad person for wondering if any of my students will bring me presents? Not that I was thinking about that or anything, because that would be unprofessional (though I would like something pretty). Luckily the students that have crushes on me are no longer in my class so I won't need to worry about receiving anything inappropriate.

That makes me think back to when I was in school. I had such a huge crush on my algebra teacher. He came really close to being in the NBA so he had the body of a basketball player who aged slightly. I used to ask questions in class all the time so that he would turn around to demonstrate his mathematical techniques on the board, only I wasn't concentrating on his math skills. He seriously has the best hiney I have ever seen in all my life. I credit him with my math abilities because I wanted to please him so much and I tried so hard to do well. Every once in a while I run into him again, now that I'm back in my hometown. I still feel like a school girl when he gives me a hug, and I still want to reach down and squeeze that hiney of his when he does so.

Maybe we need more hot teachers in the world. That should probably be a requirement for future teachers. Maybe we wouldn't be raising a country of dumbasses if the students were all attracted to their teachers. I can see it now on the job flyer: "Looking for an English teacher. Must have at least 5 years experience, and must be droolingly hot." But, then again, it would be even more difficult to find good teachers out there and our teacher shortage would only expand. Still, it would be nice to work with some eye candy rather than seeing elderly ladies all day.

I really shouldn't be writing right now. Not only is it after 2 in the morning and I just got home after a night of drinking, but I should sleep off the confusion I feel so I can wake with a clear head in the morning (well, after taking an Advil). But writing has always been my way of understanding myself and the world, so I might as well do so now.

How can I let one person affect me the way I do? I am a strong, vibrant, intelligent, sexy woman. Why can't I see this in myself on a regular basis? Why do I let doubting thoughts enter my head every once in a while? Yes, it's only human I suppose. Last time I checked I was still a human (no weird growths anywhere that I know of). But how can I let one conversation with one person pull the rug of confidence out from under my feet? Why do I give him so much power over me?

After an afternoon of phone tag, I decided to call him tonight since I knew I'd be hanging out with friends in his neck of the woods. With any other person I would have called once, left a quick message, and then forgotten about it all and enjoyed my evening. But, this isn't just anyone. This is the person who embodies all of my firsts: my first long term relationship, first sexual partner, first person I ever wanted to marry (and who also wanted to marry me for a time). He's been in my life, off and on, for 9 years now. In some ways he knows me better than anyone, though we've both changed over the years as we've aged so we're not the same people we once were. I can talk to him for hours on end without realizing the amount of time that has elapsed. I can make him laugh better than I can anyone else.

Instead of calling once, I continued to call him a couple more times (never leaving a message, but with caller ID on cell phones, he knew I called). I know what this is all about: loneliness. With all the challenges my family has faced this year, this month is the hardest emotionally to handle. Sometimes I need to reach out to someone who knows me, knows the situation, and doesn't judge. Yes, I have plenty of friends who do this, but sometimes I just want to talk to HIM. I want that familiarity, that closeness we've always maintained--an intimacy that was never lost.

Due to my recent loneliness, I've been thinking about him more. He's been calling me a great deal the last few months or so and for once I've had the complete upper hand in our relationship's dynamics. Well, until now. In October he and some friends came over to my house for a night of drinking and talking. Everyone left at the end of the night except him. His coming back into my life was still a fairly new phenomenon, so I sent him to a spare room to sleep for the night. In the morning he came into my room and jumped into my bed. I proceeded to get up and start my day. When I returned to my bedroom a half hour later, I was a complete bitch to him, telling him he had to leave because I really wanted to start my day and he was keeping me from doing so. I didn't hear from him for a week. Eventually I called him back and he has cooled down somewhat in his pursuit of me.

It's always comforting to know that someone has feelings for you. I think I went past that comfort and started thinking about him in different ways: as a mate. He truly has nearly all of the qualities I am looking for in a husband. I feel so safe and comfortable with him; he's the funniest person I know; he will be an amazing father someday; he is so gentle and affectionate; although he is quite masculine, he is never afraid to show his "weakness" to me, or act silly for me in front of others; I know I can count on him when I really need him. He's the first person who called me on September 11th when I was all alone in Washington DC and scared shitless. He's been so compassionate with everything involving my brother this year.

His one big flaw was the lack of stable employment. While I have a good job and earn a good living, I want to know that my husband can do the same. What if I decide to take some time off from work to stay home with my future kids when they are babies? I need to know that I am with someone who will be able to provide for our family. I know this sounds selfish and superficial, but I'm not looking for someone who makes an obscene amount of money; just someone who can help take care of the family.

Anyhow, I say all this because I think I was starting to wonder if maybe he really is "the one" since he's always coming back into my life and it is as if no time has passed. So, late tonight I got the urge to call him again, since he had not called me back. Now that I'm sobering up I realize how horribly pathetic this all sounds, but my reasoning abilities weren't my strong suit tonight. He finally answered the phone around 11:30. We talked for a while and I kept making him laugh (I love to hear his laugh, so I'm always trying). After giving me the excuse that he'd been at the movies so he couldn't call me back, he ends up saying he needs to be honest and tell me he was actually on a date. I'm sure anyone else would have seen this coming, but in my inebriated state, this came out of left field for me. Surprisingly I kept my cool and I was very supportive of him. This, however, motivated me to get off the phone...pronto.

So now, it's 2:35 in the morning, and I'm sitting here wondering if I'd been reading his signals all wrong all along. Guys always tell me that if a man is calling a woman all the time, inviting her places, wanting to be in her life, and very affectionate with her in person, he is interested in her. Could I have been wrong about him? I now don't feel quite as intelligent as I did at the beginning of the night. I know that the only way I can answer these questions is simply to ask him. I don't think I can, though. That would mean that I would need to confess that I've been thinking about him in a romantic way again. And am I only doing that due to my family circumstance? I don't know.

It's always a game of missed emotions. I'm aiming my feelings right at him, but he wasn't in my target range, just as I was too far ahead of him a few months ago when he tried to aim his feelings at me.

I need to sleep this off.

No more Christmas shopping. I refuse to spend another dime on a present. Not that I want to be a Scrooge about the holidays or anything, but I just get tired of the never ending list that I talked about before. So, I am done. If I am missing someone, I apologize, but this is the best I can do. This is already a shitty holiday season for my family this year, but I'm trying to make the best of what's around, so to speak.

However, I did have fun spending an hour in Walgreens this afternoon. I was waiting for film to be developed (part of a gift for someone), so I thought I'd peruse the aisles of the store. Did you know that there is a lot of fun, cheap crap at Walgreens? I walked out having spent about 50 bucks there because I had so much fun. I'm sure the other customers thought I was an escaped mental patient because of all the giggling I did at the toys. I found a furry chicken that, when you press a button on his wing, does the "chicken dance" to music. It was so cheesey I HAD to get it for a friend. That store is full of crap like that.

When I got home I wrapped up the presents I bought today and sat down to look at the photos I had developed. The black and white roll was pretty old, and some pictures developed were from 2003. I'd forgotten about some travels I had been on so it was a nice reminder of some fun times that were in my past. The ones of my friend's baby turned out beautifully. There's a few that are so adorable. She's going to love seeing these. I think I might even blow up a couple of them for her. I can't wait to see her expression when she sees this collection.

I was enjoying myself, thumbing through the photos, when unexpectedly a picture of my brother rested in my hands. I don't even remember taking that picture. He is sitting on a chair at our parent's house, reading the newspaper. It turned out somewhat dark due to the window behind him. I froze for a moment, staring at that picture. It must have been taken only about a year ago or so. Life was completely different then. I wonder if I'll ever have a day when I don't think about things. I'll cherish the day if it ever happens.

Enough sad thoughts, it is time to go out and get drunk with friends! I for sure don't want to be the DD tonight.

The following is a list of things that should be done each night before going to bed:

1. Make sure the garage door is shut.
2. Make sure all doors and windows are shut and locked.
3. Do not leave treats for burglars to enjoy.
4. Clean your house every once in a while so that you know when someone unknown has been in your house in the middle of the night.
5. If you need to pee at night, feel free to get up and make noise so burglars know you are home.
6. Only parade around naked if you know steps 1 and 2 have been dealt with.

Apparently last night we left what could essentially be interpreted as a welcome sign for intruders. Our garage door was left open (thanks to my own brillance); the door leading from the garage into the laundry room was unlocked; our patio door was also unlocked; and lots of treats for these burglars were left out too, just to make things more "homey" for them.

Luckily nothing happened and my family was not chopped into teeny tiny little pieces (as you can tell since it would be difficult to type this entry had my fingers been detached). But, for future reference, it is not a smart move to leave a proverbial neon welcome sign on your front door inviting guests to enter in the middle of the night. Just FYI.

Before I begin, I need to say this: I feel like my "Shopping with Jesus" entry is going to make me go to Hell. I didn't mean it to come out that way. Sometimes I just like to think: What Would Jesus Do/Say/Think/etc.? Now that I'm realizing that strangers come upon my site, I suddenly felt the need to explain myself. Not sure why since these are my thoughts. Actually, screw that. As the cheesy t-shirts say, "Jesus is my homeboy" and I'm "down" with that. He knows what I mean. (Now I suddenly sound like a Bible thumper.) Oh well, at least I know what I think and feel.

Anyhow, tonight I did dinner with a friend and during the dinner conversation I realized that the politics of relationships have gotten pretty crazy. Sexual dynamics are an interesting thing. Men and women really do perceive things pretty differently. I hate to say this (since I hate to say anything negative about my gender), but men really are the more literal sex in our species. When I was younger and less experienced I used to spend countless hours trying to decipher the exact meaning of the words and non-verbal language used by men. Now I realize there's not much need in that. True, we all say things in a manner in which to least offend, but men, for the most part, say what they mean.

This year has brought a great deal of change in my life and I've come to the end of 2004 with a new perspective on things, including men. Like the new best-selling book says "he's just not that into you" if he's not making the effort. Sure, some men will pretend to make that effort and then use you, but I honestly feel that's the exception to the rule. If a man isn't calling you all the time or inviting you places, or even just constantly checking in with you, he probably doesn't want to date. I think it's great that this new book is out. Luckily this is a lesson I had previously learned, but I know this is something that many women struggle with, and I completely feel their pain. But, it's a good thing to go through and learn from. Now I just happen to be the type of woman that won't bother wasting my time on a man if he doesn't realize what a quality catch I am. True, I know of a few men out there who would love to be with me, but I'm just not feeling it. Deep down I even know that a "recycled boyfriend" wouldn't be a good thing either so I shouldn't let my ex pursue me.

While my life may not be where I thought it would be back when I was 20, I am happy with who I am and what I have become. Sure, it would be lovely to have someone to snuggle with on the sofa or spoon with at night, but I want someone who wants to be there as much as I want to be there...and someone who feels grateful to have found me.

When it happens (or if it happens), I have this strong feeling that it will all happen quickly. I'll know pretty early if he is "the one" and we'll end up tying the knot after a short courtship. Plus, I know I won't ever go back on the Pill and I'll just start trying right away after getting married. I think I will make a fantastic mom, even if I make a lot of mistakes. Kids are resilient, at least. What are a few wacks on the head here and there, eh?

What I'm ultimately looking for is a man that will put me in my place and one who I can put in his place. I don't mean that in the 1950s kind of way. I just mean that I want someone who can keep me on my toes, and for whom I can do the same thing. Or, I'll just put him in his place all the time and he'll treat me like the princess I am. That'll work too.

Wow, deep thoughts for a Friday night that ended early.

Maybe it's time to call in the potential Recycled Boyfriend to put me in my place.

How is it that our Christmas shopping list seems to grow longer with each present that we buy? It's like somehow by crossing off a name from your list, suddenly a new name pops on so that your list never shrinks. I guess it's like an escalator: with each level you move up, another step is added. Wait, that analogy doesn't work since the steps behind don't affect you once you've jumped on. You know what I mean though.

I wonder if the baby Jesus would have to deal with crowded malls if he celebrated Christmas in today's world. I suppose he wouldn't, since after all, he'd be the one getting all the presents.

I think for my birthday each year all the world should give a present to one another to celebrate my birth. Not that I'm equating myself to baby Jesus or anything, but I think that would be a fun way of celebrating.

I wonder what a conversation between Santa and Jesus would be like on Jesus' birthday. Of course Jesus would be on Santa's "nice" list (I hope He'd be at the top of the list). I wonder if they'd compare naughty and nice lists together, though I guess Jesus might call His "Heaven" and "Hell" lists.

I also wonder what Jesus would have for a birthday meal on Christmas. Probably more than bread and wine this time around. Would anyone make him a birthday cake?

Each Christmas, my mom always baked a birthday cake for baby Jesus. If I ever have kids, that is a tradition I would like to carry on with them. This year I'm making birthday cupcakes to give to everyone at work. I suppose with the whole "separation of church and state" issue I won't mention that they are for a certain someone's birthday celebration.

Just when I think I'm done with my shopping I decide to add "one more person" to the list. I suppose I should use my day off to go out continuing to support captialism in the name of Jesus.

This is just a test for something; ignore this one.

I have a new "fascination." I'm choosing to call it that rather than a "crush" since I know nothing really about this guy. The only thing I know about this guy is what I learned from a search on him on nancies. He's a little bit older than me, well educated, Catholic, and is as obsessed with U2 as I am. Funny that I learned this from a website dedicated to DMB!

If anything, life is more interesting when you have a crush...oops, I mean, a "fascination." Since there are no men in my life out here in the west, I might as well develop an interest in someone I haven't met. ;)

Next week at work we are having a potluck lunch for our Christmas celebration. Since I think it's bullshit that we have to bring food for the Christmas party, I'm thinking that I might forego the food and simply bring some booze. Aside from the blatantly obvious notion that most of these teachers need to get drunk off their asses, I think the morale would really improve with a little bit o' vodka to help cheer things up. I can just imagine the elderly ladies (which pretty much describes everyone I work with) getting a bit typsy and finally letting loose. Hm, now that I think about it, I think that's exactly what is needed. I wonder if I'd get fired...

Why is it that when you don't want someone, they seem to want you; but when you are interested in someone, it just ain't gonna happen. Life is silly like that. Then again, I don't actually have a crush on anyone now. Just been wondering about the concept of "recycled boyfriends."

Keep in mind my students are all adults, so I don't have to deal with the legalities of these types of issues, but here is a letter that my 70 year old Guatemalan student left for me on his last day attending my class (the typos are left in; remember, I teach English as a Second Language):

Dear Teacher,
I like the way you are. I like the way you teach. All you are an angel, but for me it's time to say "good by." My problems could be solved in few days, or mybe it takes long, or never be solved.

I will mis your eyes.
I will mis your hair.
I will mis your arms over my neck.
I will mis your hand during the hug.
I will mis your body close to mine.
I will mis your voice of girld.
I will mis your chick.....

I felt ones your tears in my face
I felt warm whembraced me.
Sorry, but I dont have the courage to say these wards directly to you.
Please don't forget me, because I'll never forget you.

Good by my baby.
Good by my Megan.
Good by my angel.
May be tomorrow.
May be forever.

Kisses
from the silliest student you ever had....

(his name here)

Not bad for a day's work, eh?

Something that happened when I lived in LA that I felt the need to retell in this blog:

The other night, I locked myself out of my apartment (don't ask me how, I couldn't really answer your question). I went upstairs to the apartment with the only neighbors I know, who happened to be home at the time. And by my saying that I "know" them, I mean I have said hello about twice. I was able to call home and have my dad come drive out to Los Angeles (about a 75 mile drive) to let me into my apartment. After being introduced by my female neighbor to the fine art of watch collecting for about a half an hour, her husband arrived. I have spoken with him about two times before as well, though I tend to try to avoid him because he usually starts a conversation asking "Have you had your hug today?" and then he proceeds to squeeze me hard. Anyhow, I briefly said hello to him as he entered the room and then went back to "admiring" his wife's timely treasures. It took a moment to register in my mind...did I just see my neighbor's husband with man breasts? I tried to look as casually as possible out of the corner of my eye while he was talking. Whoa! Those knockers are bigger than my own! I quickly searched the catalogues of my brain for a file informing me that I had already seen this man's breasts before, but no such file was found. Deciding that ignorance really is bliss, I chose to speak nothing of this. When he left the room, his wife turned to me and asked, "Aren't you going to say anything about Eric's breasts?" I looked at her for a moment with blank eyes. Now, keep in mind, open-mindedness is something I strive for everyday. I gulped and said, "Well, I just figured, if that makes him happy..." and gave an uneasy smile. She proceeded to tell me that her husband stuffs a bra and wears it to work because he "appreciates the female body." Now, I know plenty of guys who appreciate women's bodies, but I have never seen one who had this much appreciation. Eric, the husband, came back in the room and then showed me the dating website for which he is a customer service representative. He pulled up his personal ad on screen and asked me to read it because he wondered why some women had such a difficult time understanding that he was actually married, even though he was listed as "looking for female companionship" (which we all know means sex) on an online dating service. Luckily, as I sat at his desk with him thrusting his man breasts into the back of my head, I heard a car alarm go off. I knew this was my alarm, so I ran out as fast as I could. My dad and my brother, my two knights in workout-wear armor, came to my rescue and let me inside my apartment.

I've got no game. I'm the least smooth person I know. No wonder I'm still single! A couple weeks ago a group of us went to a bar in West Hollywood to get hammered together. Granted, I never think that I'll meet someone in a bar; I don't really want to end up with someone who is as much a drunk as I am. However, this night, in the middle of downing a vodka tonic like I'd been walking in the desert for a month, I happened to glance over and see this guy who was...dare I say, cute. We made eye contact for a moment, but I quickly averted my eyes out of fear that he would realize I was checking him out. Slowly, as casually as I could, I glanced back over at Hot Guy to get a subtly better look. He was talking to a friend. Since he wasn't looking, I decided I could muster the flirtation to twirl my hair around my finger and giggle at whatever my friend John was saying (please, like I was paying attention to him when there were more crutial matters to see to...like hot, strange men). I started to feel a bit more confident. After all, there's no one else like me on Earth, so why not flaunt my "Megan-ness?" In mid twirl, I noticed that HG peeked in my direction. The cool, suave woman that I am, I suddenly grabbed my drink again and proceeded to poke my upper lip with the cocktail straw. Smooth, I tell ya.

The one drawback of attempting to flirt with a Hot Guy is if there is another woman sitting with him. Because I am such an "in the moment" kinda girl, I notice these things. However, this night I blame the vodka. I'd like to think that I didn't notice HG's lady friend because she was the typical blonde and, therefore, blended right in with the rest of the crowd. It also could have had to do with the fact that my glasses were sitting on the table top rather than on the bridge of my nose. Either way, Blonde Girl proceeded to put her hand on HG's knee and I knew that my game had been lost.

What can I say, I never was the best athlete in the world, so how am I supposed to have game?

Lows
(Gotta start pessimistically since these events changed me profoundly)
1. February 10, 2004 was the worst day of my life. On that day, I learned two profound lessons that have fundamentally changed me forever: 1) life really and truly can change in just one moment; 2) no matter how much you think you know someone, you never really truly do.
2. Every moment related to this day since. Seeing things I never ever would have guessed I would have been forced to see or experience.
3. Seeing my dad cry uncontrollably and experiencing my mom's spirit break and literally feeling as if taking a single breath would take too much strength that I no longer had.
4. The holidays, knowing they will never be the same again.
5. Realizing that although my brother has always said that I know him better than anyone else on this planet, I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand him.

Highs
1. Learning profound lessons from the experiences listed above. I always subscribed to the "carpe diem" philosophy, but this experience truly made me appreciate this. Each moment truly is precious, and I'm so much better at enjoying each one.
2. Finding a job that fulfills me more than I ever thought possible. Out of this family tragedy, a job fell into my lap thanks to a concerned aunt. Several years ago I swore I would never return to teaching, and now I can't imagine doing anything else.
3. Having friends stand beside me and not only withhold judgment of me, but also of my brother. I am truly humbled and blessed.
4. Getting accepted into some of the PhD programs I applied to. Even though I turned them all down, I know that all that hard work paid off and that I truly can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
5. The bond I have with my parents. Strange how these events have changed us all.
6. Growing closer to other family members and re-establishing bonds with them.
7. Letting loose: from NorCal, to Vegas, to Alpine among all of the wild, drunken SoCal adventures, I sure was able to forget about things and have FUN. But, more importantly, none of these times would have meant anything had it not been for the people with whom I had these moments.
8. Finally feeling like I know exactly who I am and loving myself. While there are still aspects about myself that I want to change (after all, what's the point of being perfect since you have nothing to work towards the rest of your life), I have finally come into my skin and it feels like home.
9. Leaving Los Angeles and never having to see "Mr. Breastman" again.

Regrets
At the time, some things feel like big regrets. But, isn't life made up of choices and experiences that are there to teach us? Since I have learned something from each one of these events, I regret NONE of them. They've made me who I am.

2005
1. Turn 30 with as much style as possible...or at least get so drunk that I don't realize I'm doing the opposite.
2. Go to Italy again to use the language I love...finally!

My bed. It is the funnest place on earth to be. Well, it actually could be more fun, but I won't get in to that. I plan to spend a great deal of time in my bed tomorrow. Of course, the day would be a whole heck of a lot better if Jon Stewart were in it with me. But, I will enjoy it regardless. The thought of sleeping in tomorrow has me so excited I just might pee my pants a little.

Another week is done (for me). What does this mean? Well, aside from the fact that I'm now a week closer to 30, it means that I can shed the "teacher" robe and be the wild woman I was born to be.

I'm suddenly feeling braindead (ok, so that's not really a "sudden" kind of thing for me, unless you count the last 29 years as "sudden"), so I shall depart. In the meantime, I leave my blog with warm thoughts of Italy...exactly where I wish I were right now.