Oh yea, this blog is still around, isn't it? Well, a new year has come. Many people have taken the opportunity to talk about deep thoughts, weighing in on the upcoming changes in the American government, how they want to improve the world this year, and other such topics. Me? I was talking about celebrity gossip with my students. I mean, come on, the world is a crazy place, so we need to make room for celebrity gossip.

How have you been, blog? A little dusty? Well, I'm not exactly adding nutrients to your diet and cleaning off your wardrobe with this post. I should just shut down shop here. I'm a completely different person now than I was when I started this thing. I've almost forgotten that girl. So, we'll see. At this point, I'm just too lazy to shut this thing down. But maybe I'll get off my bum and do it one of these days.

A note written by a student in a thank you card given to me last week (mistakes included):

My lovely teacher!

From the bottom of my heart, I want to say that you're the greatest teacher I ever have in my life. Since I have been in this country, nowhere makes me feel comfortable like your class, and nobody makes me feel warm like you. Thank you for all the good things you did.

Thanks,
(student name)

We had a big potluck party the last day of class for the trimester (last Thursday) to celebrate that we have a week off for Thanksgiving. My students asked me to say a few words before we all ate (and ate and ate). I expressed how grateful I am to have the job I do, one where I get to go to work every day and see their lovely faces and have FUN. Who knew work could be entertaining? I'm grateful not only to have a job in this poor economy, but to also have one that I enjoy as much as I do. I'm truly a lucky girl.

But my luck goes well beyond my job. I'm so thankful for everything going on in my life. I'm happier now than I have been...well, maybe ever. I have a great family who supports me in (almost) everything I do. I have the world's most amazing boyfriend who would do anything to make me happy. I have loving support of friends who enjoy seeing me so happy after the craziness of a few years ago. I'm just generally grateful for this whole, big gift--the good and the bad--of my days on this earth. I hope I still have many more, but the ones I've had so far have been worth everything.

I am one thankful girl.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and to all the non-Americans who might stumble upon this blog, I wish you the gift of appreciation and gratitude. We're all so lucky.

Today is an exciting day. If you are an American citizen, please exercise your right to vote. I love election day when we're dealing with a presidential election. Such incredible energy. Can't wait to see how it all turns out!

On Tuesday, the State of California will not only vote for the next President of the United States, but also on the issue of gay marriage. Proposition 8, if passed, will over-ride the recent California Supreme Court decision making gay marriage legal. I believe strongly in the freedom to think and feel whatever you want; however, I strongly disagree with infringing those ideas and beliefs on others. By passing Prop 8, Californians will be doing exactly that: imposing their own beliefs on others. If you want to believe that gay marriage is wrong, I have no problem with that. However, I do have a HUGE problem with forcing those ideas on others who have no problem with gay marriage...people like me. I wholeheartedly believe in equality for all people. Of course discrimination exists, but we can work to overcome it as best as possible. Once upon a time it was illegal for interracial couples to marry. Imagine the lack of beautiful biracial children on this planet. (It is my personal belief that biracial kids are generally the cutest. Thankfully my future children will fall into that category.)

Over the last few days while driving to work in the morning, there have been crowds of people standing on busy street corners standing with signs reading "Yes on Prop 8." Again, these people are entitled to believe whatever they want. However, I don't have to be forced to see their opinion shoved in my face with a sea of signs that try to flood the intersection. You want to put a sign in your yard or a sticker on your car? Be my guest. But parading these signs in mass on a public street corner? Tacky.

There have been many television ads proclaiming that with the acceptance of gay marriage, teachers will be forced to teach that same sex couples can marry. The problem with these ads is that they are totally and completely false. The Department of Education does NOT have any type of policy dictating that teachers must teach about marriage, straight or gay. No new education code would be created if the CA Supreme Court ruling still stands. I'm sickened that people would stoop low enough to bring children's education into the mix.

We have an unfortunate history in the United States of separation. Every ethnic group in this country has been isolated from the main population. We separated one another based on gender, and we did the same thing based on religion. And now we're carrying on that tradition by separating gay people from the mainstream. When are we going to realize that we're all the same, we just do things a little differently?

The theme for the "yes" side is "protect marriage." I ask, "Protect it from what?" They're not protecting marriage, they're protecting bigotry. Besides, if people are so afraid that marriage needs protection, then maybe the unity of marriage isn't as strong as previously thought? Maybe it's not the concept of marriage that needs protection by your own marriage because it is failing?

I guess the main thing I don't understand about homophobia is why people think it affects them. How does another couple's love affect your life? A straight couple's marriage has no bearing on my life, so why should a gay couple's? You don't want to see the public displays of affection between gay couples? Well, I don't want to see it done by straight couples either. Let's just all keep our hands off each other until we're in private. Deal?

"Where would we stand?"

"Let me show you." I took his hand and walked to the metal arch on rows of pavers at the back of the lawn. I showed him his place, and he wanted to see mine. I quickly moved away so that I could walk towards him, taking my place next to him underneath the stars of pink roses. We stood there, facing each other, silently looking into one another's eyes.

"How will you kiss me?" I asked, the corners of my mouth growing ever northbound.

"First I would remove this," he said as he mimed raising my invisible veil. I informed him that I probably wouldn't wear one. He leaned in for a gentle kiss, a simple peck on my lips.

I looked at him in disbelief. "At least act like you love me." He instantly leaned in, deeply planting his lips on mine, wrapping his arms around me, bending me backwards slightly. Before I could pull away to express my satisfaction, he quickly lowered his hands and squeezed my behind. I laughed in his mouth.

He grabbed my hand and led me to the rocking bench on the patio. We sat together, rocking back and forth, cuddling in the cold wind, bundled in our sweatshirts, warming one another as best as possible. We discussed different times of year to hold the event, discussing pros and cons of each choice. We described the images in our heads of how we want this place to look, he mostly expressing that he would say yes to anything I want. We talked about who we want present. He told family stories to help me understand his experiences better, and I looked into his eyes, understanding that he is an even kinder soul than I previously thought. He spoke with such excitement. Our happiness wrapped around us like a blanket, keeping us from feeling the wind's chill. I told him that the day didn't matter too much to me because it was so much more than just that day. What matters to me are all the days that follow because they will be spent with him.

We walked back into my parents' house, standing silently with our arms wrapped around each other. The realization that this day will come brought us such calm and contentment. We stood there in the quietness of the house, listening to the absence of anyone else.

We came back home so he could bundle me up in his thick blanket, caring for me in my ill state. He caressed my face, whispering, "Poor thing" as he kissed my cheek. I felt such a deep, peaceful love.

Later he called his family, once again letting them know I was with him. This time I spoke on the phone, helping his dad practice the little English that he once learned. His dad giggled nervously, trying his best. My heart filled with such tenderness for this man I've never met. When time was almost up on the calling card, his mother took over the phone to try to fit in one last message. She wanted to thank me for bringing such joy to her once melancholic son's life. She is grateful that I am the reason she once again hears contentment in his voice, saying that she can hear the smile on his face. She wished she could express this directly to me, but this was the best she could do with our lack of a common language. She hoped that he brought as much joy to my life as I do to his. I wished she could see the smile her words brought to my face.

The phone call ended, and I looked him in the eye and said, "I have never been more sure about anything in my life."

Labels: love

This whole financial meltdown here in the United States has me stressed out. Sure, I'm already stressed out from grad school and work, but this just adds to it. The strange thing is that I know I have no personal reason to stress over this country's financial crisis. I'm not one of the masses who bought a house I couldn't afford; unlike those people, I actually put a huge down-payment on my house and can afford my mortgage with no problem. My job is stable, and I'm nearly tenured (and considering how much my boss loves me, I'm guessing I'm pretty safe until the tenure goes through). My money is FDIC insured in the bank, so it's mine even if the bank goes under. And most importantly I'm only 33, so I have no plans of retiring anytime soon; therefore, my pension can drop for now because I have time to ride this out.

Since I'm financially sound, I'm pissed off at everyone else for making me still stress out over this situation. I'm pissed at this administration for allowing things to get this bad. I'm pissed at all the banks and mortgage/broker companies who were driven by greed. I'm pissed at the stupid Americans who couldn't face reality and live within their means so they borrowed more money than they could afford to pay back. I'm pissed that this whole situation is going to affect so many things in our culture that we probably don't even realize yet. I'm pissed that people keep bitching about the education budget in California being cut when the governor decided to cut 10 percent from ALL government aided agencies. I'm pissed that because of this financial mess, property taxes aren't being paid by some (even though mine are extremely high and I have to pay them) so the lack of money will trickle down into everything we depend on, from our schools to the police and fire departments, to the local public library. I'm just generally pissed off at people's stupidity and greed.

I'm trying to do the best I can. I don't spend money if I can't afford something. I didn't even take out a loan to pay my graduate school fees even though I'm attending a private school (since I had no options but an online program). I haven't been paid since last June and I've forked out a bunch of money this summer for summer school, but did I make that anyone else's problem? No. I simply tapped into my emergency fund a bit until I get paid next month with my first check of the school year. Are things tight for me now? Sure. Am I making that anyone else's problem? Absolutely not.

So, fuck you greedy Americans. The greed flows from the top down. Fuck you for making me worry about the state of our country...and the world...when I've been trying to do everything right. I have enough stress in my life. I've even been taking it out on the people I love most. I just want to deal with my own problems and try to help those who need an extra hand, not because they fucked up, but because life just handed them shit for luck. So fuck you to everyone who got our country involved in the mess. Fuck you for stressing me out.

Do you ever think to yourself, "I totally must have been Mother Teresa in a past life"? I've been thinking that today. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve such a great life. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty rockin' chick alright. It's just that I think I'm super lucky because things always have a way of working out in the end. Work is good, house is good, friends are great, family is awesome, and my hot-ass boyfriend rocks my world. What more could a girl want? I just spent the last couple hours at my parents' house hanging out. Although my mom kept referring to my boyfriend as Fernando (causing me to ask a couple of times, "Um, who is Fernando again?"), she's totally become supportive of my relationship. Sure she's still worried that I might end up heartbroken if something beyond our control happens, but she doesn't hold any of this against JR (aka Fernando). In fact, she even said she wants me to bring him to her house for Thanksgiving this year. (Now you know where I get my OCD planning skills from.) This was the one thing I most wanted: parental support of my relationship. I feel a hundred pounds lighter now. Well, I would if I hadn't just eaten a big-ass bowl of ice cream.

Mother Teresa, I got yo back, girl. I'm carrying on your good vibes into the next life.

(Just to clarify, my man's name is not actually Fernando. I think my mom was listening to too much ABBA over the last few weeks. We can stick with JR.)

Remember that song "Wake Me Up When September Ends"? I wholeheartedly concur. Since when did this month feel so long? I mean, we just had a long weekend (here in the US)! I guess it's just the realization that I won't get another day off until the Monday before Veterans' Day.

I know I sound like a whining teacher, longing for holidays off. But I've worked plenty of years in the regular ole 9-to-5 world with only 10 days off a year, so I know what that is like. And the thing is, I work so much harder at my job teaching than I ever did as an editor. Now, maybe if I were teaching something that required a lot less planning like theater or PE (hey, I taught high school English and theater, so I can bag) I would have a different opinion. I definitely appreciate the time off we teachers get, but it sucks working in adult education. Since I'm paid hourly, I don't get paid for any days I don't work. Therefore if there is a holiday, I don't get paid. Sure I love sleeping in on those days, but I still curse regular teachers and their salaried positions. (BTW, I'd be making about 20 grand more a year if I went back to teaching high school in my district...but I'm not a masochist).

While I'm finally feeling like I'm back on the horse in my classroom, feeling confident again about my ability to teach, I'm still having a difficult time adjusting to fitting things into my schedule. It has been difficult to balance my devotion to preparing for work, studying for grad school (which completely feels like it will never end even though I'll be done in May), and socializing. I was much more dedicated to my job and doing extra things the last few years, but with each new year, I feel less desire to take on extra responsibilities. And grad school? Dear God it feels like it will never end. I haven't gotten into the swing of things yet with scheduling my homework/study time, so it feels like such a drag to do the work. Where do I want to devote all of my time? Socializing. I'm going through a phase where I want to just enjoy life and live in the moment. While these are great things to focus on, I have to also think about reality. But dang is reality a drag.

Reality seems to be a recurring theme in life lately. JR and I have been having serious talks about our future. He's known for a while that I was "the one" for him. It's taken me longer to see this about him. Now that he knows I want to marry him, he would love to do it now. But I keep talking about the reality of marriage. I want us to get married, but there are important things to do first. I want to go through the classes that Catholic couples do to prepare for marriage. And while I'm not a particularly materialistic girl, I want a nice ring on my finger. (Let him brand me with a diamond; it's one tradition I always wanted to follow. I mean, what girl doesn't like jewelry?) And I want him to feel like a member of my family before we tie the knot so that the wedding ceremony is filled with the people I love most. He is willing to do whatever I want as long as it makes me happy. And the reality is that my parents have no idea how serious I am about him, and I want them to know him before we go any further.

We have been trying to figure out what it is like for two people to live together (except we're not living together). He's over at my house quite often, so we're beginning to fall into a routine. Doing chores, going grocery shopping, getting yard work done...these are all things we've been figuring out. Lucky for me he likes to do things for me, so all of these things have gotten easier for me. We've been trying to cook a good meal together at least once a week. Last night we made enchiladas, authentically Mexican style. He called his mom to get the ingredients, we went to a couple stores to pick them up...and then we spent forever in the kitchen. I'm a terrible cook; I'll just throw that out there. I literally had to sneak out of the house to make a second trip to the grocery store because I screwed up the salsa. Yes, I screwed up salsa; that's how much I suck. He said he'd figure out what to do with the "salsa" I screwed up, but I felt terrible that I ruined it. He just hugged me telling me it was no big deal, but hello? What is Mexican food without decent salsa? By the time we ate (about 3 hours later including the time it took to go to the grocery stores), we were exhausted...only we had a ton of cleaning to do. He says he now understands why Americans eat out so often. We were so exhausted from our day of yard work and shopping and cooking and cleaning that we went to bed a little after 9. Apparently we've already turned into an old married couple.

What's the biggest bit of reality staring me in the face at the moment? The homework I need to get done for one of my classes. I have no desire to do it, but since I pushed it off all weekend, I need to crack down and do it now.

Reality really does bite.

Edit: I need to clarify that I'm not getting married any time soon. We're just talking about it. Besides, it's fun to discuss it. And it is helping us get to know each other even better. Just needed to specify this.

This week was full of changes for me. The biggest one was going back to work after taking the summer off to study. I always get nervous for the first day of school. I know it will end by the end of the week, but I'm one big ball of anxiety the few days before the start of the year. I worry about my classes, if I'll be an effective teacher, if my students and I will "click," and if they will like me. Basically, I'm a pain in the ass to be around. Fortunately JR and I spent the last day of my summer with my best friend and her husband for an afternoon in LA to get my mind off things. I needed to end the summer on a positive note, and we did.

My classes are going pretty well. The chemistry of the two groups (day and night classes) is very different, as is always the case. My day class is huge, averaging about 50 (unusual for an advanced level ESL class during the day), and my night class is in the upper 20s (smaller than last year). I'm still getting used to my students, and they are getting used to me. I have some really dedicated ones, so I know that they will help drive me to do my best, even if the rest of the class slacks off. I do it for the ones who really care.

It's been difficult getting up early. Not because I slept in during the summer (I can never seem to sleep late anymore). It's because I haven't been living alone this week. JR has stayed with me this entire week. The funny thing is, I've always gotten really sick of being around people in the past, regardless of whether or not they were friends or boyfriends. That sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to. I simply mean that I have always really valued my personal space and time and needed a lot of it. But for some reason, we've really loved being together so much. Usually he works six days a week, but this week was the first time work was slow for him since I've known him, so he ended up with a three days of unplanned time off. While I went to work, he did things around the house for me, like installing lights in the backyard or vacuuming the inside. I teased him saying he was my housewife. I would call him during my break from class, and he would call me each afternoon if I wasn't home at a certain time to be sure I was ok. We were like one of those sickeningly sweet couples. The one challenge is at night. I'm a very light sleeper, so I feel every twist and turn and hear every noise. So, I haven't gotten quite as much sleep as when I'm alone, but waking up with him next to me saying, "Wake up sleeping beauty" makes it all worthwhile.

After a week of bliss, we had our first small fight of the week last night. Why are fights always over stupid little things? I won't even bother explaining it because it is so pointless. I just get so bothered by things sometimes. Compared to most men, he says the most perfect things. I really have nothing to complain about. But when he doesn't say exactly what I hope to hear, I sometimes get upset. Why do I do this? It happened at bedtime last night, so we didn't finish talking about it before going to bed. Today I'm off work and he had to leave early, and I knew he was still upset when he left. I hate starting the day off like that, especially over something that is totally not worth it. He's so great about instantly seeing when something is wrong--he sees it in my face right away and asks me about it. He keeps asking until I talk about it. I know that's a big pain for guys, but I need someone who is willing to keep asking until I feel like I can talk about what bothers me. (I'm trying to work on that, but it is hard.) I appreciate that so much about him. He kept doing that last night, but I wouldn't talk. When I finally did, he got a little frustrated with me (mostly because it was all so stupid). But I hate this feeling. I hate knowing that things aren't totally harmonious. I'm always uncomfortable when there's some kind of problem with someone I care about. So now I'm sitting here, knowing that I won't be able to fully concentrate today on what I need to get done because this fight will be in the back of my head.

The good thing about not living together is that we both always have a place to go when we need some space. Maybe this was all too much for us this week. We didn't plan on it. I gave him a key a couple weeks ago, but it was never intended for him to move in. He has a drawer, but not my closet. Maybe today is good for us, both having our own space while he is at work and I can relax at home (and do homework). Still, these little tiffs always seem to happen at the worst times. We had a little one right before he met my parents. And today we have an appointment related to our future. I wonder if I subconsciously get upset about stupid things with him before these big moments simply because I'm nervous and stressed about that significant event? I've never been good with change, and I think all this proves I still don't handle it well. But at least I'm willing to admit it and try to improve.

Thankfully we have the long weekend here in the US for Labor Day. I need time to relax after all these changes!

You were sorely missed at last night's show, LeRoi. The experience will never be the same again. Rest in peace.

Celebrate we will, 'cause life is short but sweet for certain.